It's Been Too Long

:)  Ahhhhh life.  It's such an amusing thing.  So much of our time is spent planning and making preparations for things that literally disappear in the blink of an eye.  Oh how I had such grand plans for diligently working on my blog, and well....after three entries and the arrival of butterbean # 3, the blog essentially evaporated. None-the-less, the beauty of technology is that files are never REALLY gone and with a little digging and a little prompting from an old pal life and art meet once again.

So much happened over the course of 2011 and this first half of 2012 and the beautiful thing is... God is still busy teaching and leading his children and I feel certain that there is more to come and more to learn long before the sun sets on this historic year.  But before I rest my weary head and find myself drifting off to dream this evening, I feel compelled to give pause to this blip on the radar screen of my life.

St Patrick's Day has never been a day of great importance to me.  Many use this day as an excuse to hang out in Five-Points, some to commemorate their fondness for green, shamrocks and all things "lucky" while others focus on its religious correlations.  I am not Catholic, have a  very real disdain for the color green,  and  I seldom acknowledge even the existence of luck.  And if the WHOLE truth be known, I really have viewed this particular "holiday" as one to be ignored most of my life.  I am usually amenable to the idea of wearing something green on the 17th because I despise being pinched, but I readily admit that I have fibbed a time or two regarding the color of my underwear so as to avoid both having my skin squeezed and the embarrassment of inadvertently having overlooked what I believed to be a B-list holiday. (Thankfully, nobody has ever asked me to prove my choice of color for my "unmentionables.")  This most recent St Patty's Day was all too different for me, however.  What had once been a ho-hum kind of 24 hours suddenly changed in a moment's notice. At approximately 12:30 on Saint Patrick's Day (one year ago) 7lb 8oz  Ashbie Marie arrived.  Now if I am being honest I still haven't quiet made the St Patrick's Day correlation because Ashbie isn't blond- she doesn't have green eyes and if anybody is lucky,  well, it was me. (Actually to have had such a precious angel given to me isn't luck...it's a simple God-given blessing. :)  She was born on 3/17 none-the-less and Ashbie will always share her birthday with this the day of the shamrock and leprechaun. And it was on this day a little over a month ago that we had the honor and privilege of acknowledging Ashbie's blessed arrival with some dear friends and family.  Yes, thousands of children have or will celebrate their first birthday this year, and it wasn't the first time we had put together a little shin-dig for a butterbean, but this time the experience for me was a little different. I still can't quite put my finger on it, but there was a hint of sadness amongst the laughter, squeals and hoopla!  Looking at Ashbie while she partook of her first birthday cake made me take notice of the fact that there would be no more first birthdays to celebrate with my girls. Now God willing there will be MANY more birthdays to commemorate, but there would never be another FIRST birthday to celebrate.  There was something so solemn and deafening about this realization as it sat firmly in the pit of my stomach and within the vessels of my heart. It's a beautiful experience to watch your butterbeans evolve into different creatures as life demands of us all, but it is an experience that can be and has been incredibly difficult.  Sometimes I want to lock my girls away in a tower away from the negative influences of this world, but none of them have long magical hair worthy of climbing expeditions, and my lot isn't nearly large enough to erect such a structure. And regardless of how much I don't want them to be hurt, and how much I don't want them to know about the unpleasantness life sometimes offers up, I realize I can't always protect them or their hearts and yes, this makes me incredibly sad and helpless at times.  But what I can always "hang my hat on" is that none of us can do this alone; we just simply need to walk along side our children and offer them both our abiding love and the advice and guidance God would ordain. Is it going to be easy? No! (Parenting, as my aunt often says, is NOT for wimps) But with the help of my heavenly Father and my trusted village that will pitch in as my butterbeans need structure, discipline and love over the course of their lives, I feel confident I can move beyond these first years and face the future with hope as my butterbeans move into more complicated phases of life. And next year when we place two candles on Ashbie's cake I won't think of that brief melancholy that interrupted her first celebration, instead I will remember the promise of her young life that our great Father has entrusted to Jimmy and me and the brilliant color both Ashbie and her sisters add to it.

Speaking of color, life with three children has certainly changed my perspective.  From the little things that simply require more work (bed making, baths, bag packing) to the more elaborate things that require more stamina. Who knew how much energy it took to CLOTHE THREE LITTLE GIRLS EACH MORNING???? And of course I jest (or maybe I'm not), but life with three butterbeans is never boring. It's never quiet. And it's never to be faced without much needed rest and fortitude. I have often thought about the fact that I manage four classes of 20 + students each day with  relative confidence , but I unashamedly admit to you that my three children can make me dance around like a marionette commanded by a master puppeteer. But despite my constant fatigue and ever-growing desire to sometimes be immersed in complete and total silence, I am so utterly thankful that I have the honor and privilege of being "mommy" to Torie, Emmie Grace, and Ashbie.  And on those days when I am physically and emotionally spent I am poignantly reminded by the lyricist Phil Vassar of my treasures: " Two hearts, one dream...I wouldn't trade it for anything and I ask the Lord, every night for just another day in paradise."

                                                                           -Until then

                                                                                       MJ

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A New Perspective

Now that Jimmy and I are expecting our third child I have a new perspective.  Well, let me be honest.  After giving birth to my first child, I developed a new perspective.  As a child I don't think I fully appreciated all of the things my mother did. In fact, I KNOW I didn't.   I overlooked the clean laundry, the breakfast waiting on us before the start of the school morning, the shampoo and soap in the shower, the toothpaste on the sink, the hours spent listening to me read...even the folded towels in the linen closet.  I truly took for granted that all of those things were there because of someone- someone amazing.

Now, as an adult, I understand more fully the sacrifices that my mother made for my sisters and me.  Not only do I understand them, but I certainly can appreciate them.  How she was able to maintain full-time employment outside the home, raise three children, and maintain a home is beyond me.  Sometimes I feel like a complete and utter failure when it comes to being able to balance all the business and busyness of life. In the words of a colleague of mine recently, "Just call me Mother of the Year" (insert sarcasm).  But, haven't we all been there? Haven't we all had moments where we thought, Am I ever going to be able to get it together? I would venture to say most women would answer YES!  When I recently asked my mom about how she was able to pull off such an amazing feat without ever coming across as fatigued or worn out, she just chuckled and said..."You just do...somehow, you just do."  I have often wondered if she would change anything now that she has had the FULL experience, but it seems each time we are together for any extended period of time I realize a little more how much she loved her time with us and how much she misses her "girls" being girls rather than women.  In the words of my Mawmaw and my mother, "Enjoy your babies while they are little; time flies so fast.  You blink and they are all grown up." 

As I look at my babies tonight and I feel butterbean # 3 playing kickball with my ribs, I can truly appreciate the beautiful person that my mother is.  Was she a perfect mother? No. Just like any human being, we all think about how we could have done some things differently.  But was she a mother who loved her children dearly? Was she a mother who gave sacrificially? Was she a mother who thought of herself only after everyone else was taken care of? Was she a mother who taught her daughters to be strong and independent?  Without hesitation, I say YES!  And for that I am eternally grateful.  Words are completely inadequate when it comes to expressing my gratitude so I seldom try.  But with my new found perspective I plan to live out the foundation poured by my mother by teaching my own children the value of unconditional love and sacrifice for the benefit of others.  How blessed am I that I have the privilege of being called Mommy!!!!  Thanks, Momma.  Your legacy, stamina and relentless love are forever a piece of Marie.
 

Back to Reality...

As surprising as it was, I enjoyed the post-Christmas snow last week.  There is nothing more exciting than seeing the white puffy flakes falling from the sky because it somehow brings out the "kid" in me.  For some reason just the prospect of snow brings a smile to my face.  Maybe it's the idea that we don't have the privilege of seeing it that much, or maybe it's because any type of inclement weather often provides us with an unplanned "vacation" day, but regardless, I love snow.

After getting the girls dressed in their scarves and mittens, we went outside for a personal encounter with the "white stuff."  The children were of course busy with their snowballs and trying out their scooters in the snow, but in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of their excitement, I took the time to notice something that snow has always brought to me....silence.  Have you ever noticed how incredibly quiet the outside world is when it snows?  I know there is some scientific reason for the sound barrier, but all of that knowledge is of no consequence to me. I just enjoy the timely buffer from the outside world that has been so graciously provided by this meteorological event.  Just as it has all those times before, standing in front of my house, taking photographs of my girls and feeling the flakes fall softly upon my nose, made me remember how important the "quiet" of life is, but this year the reflection was a bit different.  If you are anything like me, from the moment that alarm sounds in the morning to the moment I have the privilege of crawling back into my haven each night, my life is crazy.  It's packing lunches, making beds, dressing children, giving kisses, buckling car seats, dropping off, picking up, attending meetings, have conversations, meeting deadlines, responding to emails, answering phone calls (which I despise), making plans for dinner (yet another thing I despise), giving baths, checking homework, tucking in, saying prayers, folding laundry...so on and so forth.  Life for me and so many others has become a complete rat race.

So what lesson was the "snow" trying to teach me?  What wise words were attempting to be imparted to my life?  Clearly I, like many of my friends and colleagues have far too many irons in the fire, but as I have told Jimmy before, of the things that I do each day, which items can I delete and still have some semblance of an effectively run home?  Do I not fold the laundry?  Do I not read the bedtime story?  Do I not pack the lunches?  Well of course not.  Those are not expendable items.  What is expendable is my USE of time. And I am, unfortunately, a terrible manager of time. I am the queen and self proclaimed master of procrastination!

I have often heard it said that someone can gauge the priorities of another by assessing where their time is spent.  In other words, you can't say that you value cooking if over the course of your week you don't cook.  Likewise, you can't make yourself believe that you value your solace and personal quiet time if you never take time for yourself and reflection. And as much as I say I value personal quiet time and reflection, I seldom take the opportunity to participate and enjoy it.  And further, how can I hear God's voice if I (like so many others) are incessantly paying attention to alarm clocks, deadlines, ringing phones, and incoming text messages? Seeing and truly experiencing the snow last week made me realize however, that this must become a recognizable priority in my life and not an expendable moment of my day.   For my own sanity and my own personal growth I must begin making time for quiet and solace this year.  Already I am able to see (through this blog for example) how valuable continual personal reflection can be...

Usually when it snows around here, it is gone the next day.  This post-Christmas snow, however, was relentless in it's pursuits of "hanging around." By Thursday, I could still see some evidence of the winter storm's visit, and as I was watching my dogs tip-toe through the slushy mess I couldn't help but remember something my Mawmaw said many moons ago.  She always told us, "When snow lays around like this, it means that it is waiting on more." For the kid in me, I hope her wise words come to fruition.  I would LOVE the opportunity to experience a snow day in the new year.  For the adult in me, I would enjoy a subtle reminder to take a moment to slow down and just BE QUIET.  :) 

Goodbye 2010....

For quite a while now I have been ruminating on the idea of beginning a blog.  Why?  It certainly isn't that I believe my thoughts are so compelling that hundreds of people would want to read them.  Honestly, I enjoy writing.  It is truly cathartic for me. It is a window to my soul and my mind and I enjoy putting it all down on the "proverbial paper." It provides me with an opportunity to reflect and therefore respond to my journey.  And that is what I believe life is after all....one magnificent journey. How fitting then, that I begin this reflective experience on the last day of 2010.

When I reflect upon 2010 the word CHANGE comes to mind.  Some changes were more subtle than others, but they were changes none-the-less.  I think my most profound change would have to be the decision to leave a place I had called "home" and to begin again in a less familiar surrounding.  The decision to change where our family worshiped was not an easy one.  It was one bathed in prayer and sometimes, unfortunately, tumult.  How do you leave a place where you made a profession of faith, the place in which you were baptized and married and the same place which saw the dedication of your two babies?  This change was far from easy, but I ultimately believe it was the right decision for my family.  My fear was that my relationships would change and that I would have difficulty finding a new avenue of service in such a distinctly different place, but God, in his infinite and omnipotent ways,  opened MULTIPLE doors for both Jimmy and myself.  The transformation has been remarkable.  Do I miss my home church?  Without question, but sometimes God nudges us in a different direction and as difficult as leaving behind the familiar and comfortable can be, we are called to step out in faith.  

On the same side of the coin, the man who influenced me for many many years at FBC passed away in 2010.  Mr. Roy Barnes taught me, lead me, groomed me, and shaped my life in more ways than I could ever imagine or even thank him for.  Words are so inadequate when it comes to the life of such an incredible man and his death has left an obvious void in this sleepy little town.

Continuing on this idea of change, in July, Jimmy and I decided to take a detour from our normal vacation plan and surprise the girls with a trip to The Magic Kingdom.  It was a beautiful experience and one that I will look fondly upon for the rest of my life.  What I remember most about the trip, however, is the magic that authentically resides on the grounds of Disney World.  I never believed it could be so moving, but it was as fulfilling and incredible as I had hoped it would be.  Seeing the park through the eyes of my two butterbeans changed me.  Watching EG embrace Snow White (her personal princess heroine) and hearing Torie giggle as we rode through "It's a Small World" are forever cemented in my mind.  If you have children and you ever have the chance to share the magic of Disney with them, please do not delay.  It is an auspicious experience that I believe you will treasure for the rest of your life. 

On the tail end of our Florida vacation, Jimmy and I learned of another impending change in the Johnson household.  We would be following God's call to be fruitful and multiply.  :)  As much of a surprise as it was, we were excited at the prospect of welcoming a new butterbean into our household.  We had certainly not planned to have three children, but God, as we have continually discovered, is in control and we have to trust His plans and paths for our lives.  Although I was certain this baby would be a little boy, God has blessed us with another little princess.  Jimmy felt all along that this child would be another girl and he couldn't be happier.  He and I have continually joked over recent months about how much of a sense of humor God must have and likewise how much faith He must have in Jimmy to be able to survive all the hormones that he will be encountering in the coming years.

2010 also saw some distinct changes in the Gamecock Nation.  Anyone who knows me in any capacity knows that I love USC. I love it fervently and passionately.  I bleed garnet and black and nothing will ever change my undying loyalty to my Alma mater.  It is a place that shaped me and molded me and I an forever grateful for the education (both in and out of the classroom) that I gained there.  When I stand and raise my "toast" to USC I cannot hide the fact that chills still creep down my spine and over the tops of my arms.  The words "Forever to Thee" reign true in my heart and I believe they always will. None-the-less, who would have EVER thought that I would have the chance to see my Gamecocks win a National Championship?  Well, I actually didn't see it.  I was pacing up and down the road in front of my house the evening Whit Merrifield batted in the winning run, but I did check my phone every 30 seconds or so to see what my fellow Facebook followers were posting.  :)  I knew it was over and over in a magical and special way when Jimmy pulled open the front door and yelled out to me " WE WON!!!!"  It is a moment I will never forget.  Yes, it was special that the Gamecocks won, but it was more special that my husband of 11 years got to see it too. As tried and true as I am, Jimmy loves the Gamecocks even more.  His only regret was that he wasn't sitting beside his beloved father, (another Carolina Alum) to savor the moment.  I can't help but believe, however, that on that night Mr. Johnson was smiling for his University of South Carolina too from the best seat in the house...heaven.

I would be remissed if I did not mention some icky changes that came from 2010.  Not all changes are welcome, but as we all know, life sometimes hands us lemons and it is up to us to make lemonade. In the spring of the year my Nashville family experienced a devastating flood.  They lost virtually everything they owned within their home as well as their vehicles.  Because we lost our home to a fire when I was a small child, this was especially difficult for my family.  Starting over, especially without flood insurance, is just not easy.  But God, again, in his infinite wisdom and grace provided abundantly for my family.  They are now back in their home and beginning again.  Likewise, three ladies with whom I have the honor and privilege of calling friends have faced a personal change in their lives this year.  Never did I believe at this point in my life that I would have any deep and personal dealings with breast cancer, but unfortunately, that is not the case.  What I have learned, however, in watching these ladies, is that cancer doesn't care how old you are, where you live or how many babies you have.  It is relentless in its pursuits of beautiful people, BUT it is absolutely no match for the fighting spirits of determined women who are fearless, powerful and followers of Jesus Christ. 

As I conclude my first blog entry, I reflect on the idea that change isn't always welcome, but it is necessary none-the-less. With every unwelcome or unexpected change, comes a beautiful development in the progress of our journey. If change leads to growth in our human spirit and in our relationship with God, then how can we shun it? How can we want to just meander through life with the same humdrum experiences?  God is waiting to walk alongside us in this experience. He certainly doesn't expect us to do it alone. He just wants us to deepen our understanding of Him and His plans for our lives. Life is a journey... And what a beautiful journey it is.